I Lost My Innocence Today

By Angela

“I lost my innocence today.” At least that’s how I will forever remember October 23, 2013.  On this day, at the age of 38, I was diagnosed with Stage 2 Non Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. I was also 11 weeks pregnant.

As I sit here at the end of another year, and look back at all 2013 has gifted and stolen from me, I have realized that throughout it all, The Airborne Toxic Event has been my constant companion. I listen to their albums on shuffle during my hour long commute to work each day, and when I get into work, I put my headphones on and open Spotify and do the same. Like most TATE fans, I fell in love with them when I first heard “Sometime Around Midnight” several years ago, and plunged myself into their music. My relationship with TATE is unlike any musical relationship I’ve had. Usually when I like an artist or band, I buy their albums, listen to their music, and move on to my next fling. TATE is no fling. No matter how many times I listen to their songs day in and day out, it never gets old. I have never heard a band in which the music, not just the words to a song, can make you feel so much raw emotion. Anna’s violin or Noah’s bass can pull at my soul in a way no other band can.

In the opening sequence of “Innocence,” Anna’s violin is like a knife piercing my soul, slicing it into tiny little pieces, then Mikel’s guitar and Darren’s drums chime in, and sew me back together. Even before my diagnosis, “Innocence” was my favorite Airborne song. For me, it’s the one song that can make me cry and then comfort me like a warm blanket all at the same time. Now that I have had to face the reality of my own demise one day, many of their songs have taken on a different meaning to me. When I hear “All I Ever Wanted,” and Mikel sings “I shudder when I think I might not be here forever,” I pause and think about my daughter and husband. I realized that as Mikel writes in “Timeless,” life is “all too short, and I’m leaving soon.” No matter what the song, I feel a connection to the lyrics like nothing I’ve felt before.  These days, Mikel’s poignant lyrics usually bring me to therapeutic tears.

One of my gifts from this year is that I had the opportunity to see TATE three times. Two free shows during SXSW, and once when they came back to Austin during their tour. I even got a birthday wish and hug from Mikel on his last show. As you all know, Mikel likes to end the show with saying “Go make some beautiful babies.” My husband and I did just that, or at least tried for several months. We finally succeeded in August.  I honestly wanted to tweet Mikel when I found out I was pregnant and let him know there was a new beautiful TX baby on the way. For some innate reason though, I didn’t. I didn’t jump for joy when I found I was pregnant.  I knew something was wrong.  Upon my diagnosis, I was told by four different doctors that I could not safely carry my baby to term because I needed to start chemo right away. I cannot explain in words how hard the decision to terminate my pregnancy was for me and my husband. We were, and still are devastated, but it came down to my being around longer for the 5-year-old daughter we have now.

2013 has been a whirlwind of ups and downs for me, but like a best friend I’ve known forever, each member of TATE has been there for me, supporting me through this journey. I only hope they know how much their music means to me and so many others. Though I may not ever get the chance to thank them in person, I would like each member of the band to know that they have been my source of hope, my constant outlet, and my crutch to lean on for support.

Purchase “Innocence” (feat. The Calder Quartet) [Live from Walt Disney Concert Hall]

Angela lives in Austin TX, and works as a financial analyst. When she’s not creating budgets and actualizing sales costs, she’s spending time with her devoted husband of nine years and beautiful 5-year-old daughter. You can also find her curled up somewhere reading a book. She loves to read, and even calls her kindle her boyfriend, because it goes everywhere with her. Before she got sick, she liked to go for a run around their little lake downtown and take in the scenery of her beautiful city.